The Purple Prose of Danny Rose: (an unlikely review of Mere Anarchy by Woody Allen)
|Woody Allen |
in Broadway Danny Rose
When the herculean film director of some repute, W.A., approached me last month to critique the draft of his latest tome - a collection of risible essays, skits and short stories he had perspicaciously stored away like potatoes during a famine - I leapt at the challenge like a power forward to a rebound. Being green to the literary oeuvre, this opportunity was right out of left field, though lately my name had been spreading on the street like a 12th avenue hooker; all due to my latest conquest, the memoirs of a certain ex-Alaskan-governor whose name will remain unmentionable.
After reading the draft, I beckoned W.A. to my offices in Brooklyn so we could discuss my recommendations for revision. The following is a facsimile of that conversation.
DR: W, how are you, I haven't seen you since your daughter was still just your daughter.So you can see above how I utilized my predominance with WA to his amelioration. He made the changes and the book will be published soon to, I'm sure, wonderful notices. This just goes to show even geniuses need a little assistance sometimes and Danny Rose is the stealthy facilatateur extaordinaire; like Lady Macbeth, Dick Cheney, or Leonard Zelig
WA: Go easy, Rose, besides that's old news.
DR: (mutters) old news, young bride.
WA: Anyway I came to hear what you thought of the draft of The Blood Dimmed Tide, huh? funny?
DR: Funny you should ask, I just finished reading it
WA: I know Danny, isn't that why you asked me here?
DR: Oh yeah, right, my timing is impeccable. In any case I wanted to share my thoughts on the book. First of all lose the title.
WA: Wait a second I love that title. I spent hours agonizing over if it was right or not. It's from Yeats you know.
DR: And what does Yeats, an Irish poet, have to with a Jewish filmmaker like yourself?
WA: I don't know, we're both afraid of snakes?
DR: No. Irony, you have irony in common. So I propose the following ironic title: Mere Anarchy. How's that? It's even in the same poem. Besides it's funnier!
WA: Mere Anarchy? Hah, could work, OK what else you got.?
DR: Bigger words
DR: Use bigger words in your stories, why not impress your audience. For instance, why say cigar when you can use the word 'cheroot'? Much more impressive.
WA: Well, uh...I don't know. it's a little pretentious...
DR: Pretentious shmetentious, it's a winning strategy is what it is. also you could throw in some of those, whatdyacall... metaphors; and euphemisms, use a lot of those. For instance, say 'tsunami' for 'a ton of. Instead of "a lot of money" say "many dead presidents". Use hyperbole too. You could describe unprepossessing women like: "she would be beautiful if not for her remarkable resemblance to..." and then think of an ugly actor to insert; Marty Feldman is good.
WA: I could try...
DE: Great! so you'll up the ante in the vocabulary department. OK this is what'll happen: firstly, the book will be much funnier; two, you'll double you readers. Trust me, everyone loves a tongue twister; and C, the book will look more impressive. It will double in size, especially if you use plenty of words like "ecdysiastically".
WA: Now Danny, this better work, or...
DR: Or what, you'll break my nose? I'd much prefer it if you would 'fracture my proboscis'. See what I did there? (roars with laughter)
WA: (laughs weakly)
Now I must leave off. I have a rendezvous with 'The Donald', Mr Trump, he's asked me look over some of his campaign material. Apparently, he thinks he'll make a good commander-in-chief. Oy what a shmendrik!